


The way back.

by Yui_Miyamoto



Category: Peacemaker Kurogane
Genre: Cross-Posted on FanFiction.Net, Cross-Posted on LiveJournal, M/M, Non-Explicit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-23
Updated: 2020-06-23
Packaged: 2021-03-09 06:01:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,844
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27128938
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yui_Miyamoto/pseuds/Yui_Miyamoto
Summary: Souji goes to practice for a while, but Hijikata-san won’t let him get too far.
Relationships: Hijikata Toshizou/Okita Souji
Kudos: 2





	The way back.

**Disclaimer: Peacemaker Kurogane is owned by Chrono Nanae-sensei!  
  
**  
“Please, don’t follow me,” I say to no one in particular.  
  
In between the intersecting fingers of leaves, moonlight touches the grass in shadowed patches. With the wind blowing their fragile hands, the little meshes of light wave through, revealing an unsteady path before me.   
  
Crunch, Krssh, crunch, krsshhhk…  
I still step through, trying to find a place that is just large enough to swing a sword without harming the trees. My heart beats quicker the further I go. I’ve never been too far away from them because he always protests against me going off by myself.   
  
My invisible rope only runs so far, doesn’t it? I know it won’t be long until you notice that I asked for permission to leave.   
  
Deeper into the grove of trees, I find myself running as fast as I can. My legs are already aching; my feet, bruised. The darkness elongates before me, even with the moon overhead. And soon, I find a place for my solitude. In my mind, I’d like to think I know the way back.   
  
Looking up from this small circle, the branches reach out towards the light with the powdering of stars. Slowly, I pull out my sword from the scabbard, its blade catching reflections of soft moonbeams. Lifting it up before me, I bow, thinking of _him_ , the person who gave me this precious treasure. In exchange for my soul, it will be with me until death.   
  
Taking a deep breath, I hold it over my head, firmly gripping on the hilt, stepping forward with my right foot and swing downward, pulling it down with my left hand. I step back, repeating it over and over.   
  
_Straighter back. Use your wrist, not your arms. Slash from your core._  
  
I hear Kondo-san’s words as if we’re still in the Shieikan. My eyes lower to the ground and I instantly stop.  
  
Now standing straight with my feet pointing away from one another, I step from side to side while simultaneously swinging diagonally left and then right. Faster and faster, I clench my teeth as my sides start to hurt.  
  
 _“Don’t you ever sleep? From morning until night, you are here practicing.”  
I look at Hijikata-san, who is leaning on the side of the building. He walks up to me and my chin lifts up at how tall he is to nine-year-old me.  
I don’t say anything.   
His hand reaches out towards me and I step back. Instead, he pats the top of my head. I wince, but wonder why are his hands so warm and gentle?   
When he walks away to talk to Kondo-san, I’m still watching his back.  
  
I couldn’t tell him, “I don’t have anywhere else to go.”   
But I’m sure he already knows that._  
  
Sweat from my forehead drops down while tears brim on my eyes, refusing to fall to the dirt floor.  
  
Is this all I’ll ever amount to? Is this how far I’ll go?  
  
Taking a step back and with the hilt over my head, I step forward. The tip of the blade points to the sky and slashes cleanly through the air…  
  
“Hhhnn!” I grit my teeth, muscles are screaming for me to stop hurting myself, but my heart feels the numbness. I’ve been forcing it to stop feeling for a long time. Or so I’ve told myself…  
  
The silence is deafening, especially when I’m by myself. For a small lapse of time, I ignore everyone’s demands on me, the expectations that I put on myself to meet our goals. But my body doesn’t listen to me. It keeps moving, consuming itself with the flames of anger, vexation, and loss.  
  
And then I find it: My smile comes through.  
  
This damned smile holds my misery and my strength inside of it.  
  
Falling to my knees, my sword lies by my side. My hands crush the grass, nestles prickling under my palms. Then I flinch, my chest convulsing with blood streaming through my fingers. Now the dam floods forth, my tears keep falling and I can’t stop them.   
  
I’m the first captain so I need to keep their morale up! They look up to me. They don’t need to see, they don’t need to see!  
  
This is nothing compared to before, before I met Hijikata-san and Kondo-san. I love my sister, but these men are my family. Even if we’ll never live in Kyoto again and I’ll probably return to Edo when this…  
  
I pat the ground, the blood again imprinting into the lines of my hand like a stamp pad.  
  
…this will take over.  
  
I don’t want to let go until I have to. I never felt I belonged anywhere in this world, but he…  
Even when he goes around with all these women…I still love him. Even if he doesn’t tell me anything, I still wait for him. I hate that he never reassures me, but this sword and for recognizing my skills…  
  
He gives me everything precious without words. Why does he does he torture me like this? Even if I tried, I can’t hide from him forever.  
  
Taking a deep breath as the dirt soaks up my tears, I wipe my face as best as I can with the small towel I’m carrying. I then get up and hold up my sword, bowing again while shaking. After placing it back into its scabbard, I grip onto it and look for a river to wash my face.  
I’d better get back or else-  
  
“Why are you here? You should be eating with the others.”  
“I have no appetite right now.” I look down, hoping he doesn’t see my blood or tears on the ground. “I’m still practicing because of that new plan you created.”  
“Oh?”  
“I needed to visualize it by myself.”  
Unconvinced, he comments. “You sound tired though.”  
“Of course. I’ll be crashing soon,” I laugh. “You know the feeling very well, don’t you?”  
He steps forward. “Souji, what’s wrong-“  
Swatting his hand away, I snap, “Don’t touch me.”  
  
 _Please._  
  
But as always, he never listens when I want him to. He grabs my chin and looks it over.   
“Don’t-”  
When he rotates his wrist, the streams of moonlight lightly reveal the traces of blood and the tears running down my cheeks. I take a deep breath with my jaw hardening.  
  
He doesn’t say anything as he leads me to the river, holding my wrist so that I don’t escape. But we don’t stop there. We walk for a while to get to the foot of a mountain.   
Looking over my shoulder, I notice our campfire is quite a distance away.   
“The river was right there. Why did you bring me this far?”  
  
Partially stepping into the cave, he pulls me. And in the blackness where no light touches, he wraps his arms around me.   
“You shouldn’t, Hijikata-san.”  
With his back on the rocky wall, we both fall to the ground. As he holds me tighter against his chest, I feel he’s slightly shaking. I look from side to side not knowing what to do. My fingers touch the smoothness beneath.  
  
His chin is on my shoulder, and his arms refuse to let me go. The only thing I hear is the sound of our nervous breathing.  
His fist pushes onto my quivering heart.   
  
“What were you planning to do?”  
“What do you mean? I was just practicing.” I sigh. “What else did you expect?”  
“You can’t hide it from me, Souji.” He takes a long deep breath.  
“I’m not.” I turn over my hands, looking down at my open palms. “I don’t have space to. You’re always watching me.”  
  
You crowd most of my thoughts so I know getting away from you is futile.  
  
For a few minutes, we’re absolutely still and peaceful. A breeze caresses our bodies and we don’t say anything to one another.  
  
He then loosens his grip and I think it’s the signal to leave, but he just holds his right forearm against my stomach while pulling my chin with his left hand. I feel his lips on my neck, kissing and licking.   
“Hijikata-san, you’ll get sick too!” I protest.  
“Like hell if I care.” The tone is more menacing than when he tortures people for leaving the group.   
I try to wriggle myself free, but his tongue grazes the nape of my neck and now his hand tries to untie my hakama, loosening it until he can put his hand underneath.   
“You shouldn’t…” I whisper, but my hands are grabbing onto the fabric over his knees.   
My eyes scrunch up in pain as his hand, pulls the fundoshi, finally holding what it’s been searching for.  
  
In a gentle and pained voice, he whispers into my ear, “Let it out. Your anger. Your pain. Your pleasure. It doesn’t matter what, but give it to me.”  
The hand on my chin makes its way back to my chest, holding me tighter than ever.  
  
I start to cry. The rain from my eyes falls into the darkness and even though I open my mouth wanting to shout out, nothing comes out.   
  
Yes, that’s right. I am angry at my body. This disease. This war. At God. But most of all, I don’t want to let go yet! I didn’t have enough time with you!  
  
Right now, I want to see your face. I want to kiss you.  
  
More hot tears squeeze out of my eyes.   
As he’s sucking on my shoulder blades, his hand rubs me faster.   
“Nnn…” My nails dig deeper into his skin.  
  
“Hijikata-san, I…” My body shivers and I come into his hand.  
Breathing deeply, my heart is pounding into his palm, but he doesn’t stop.  
“Ah…” Feeling the prickling sensation, the aching rush is coming again and I brace for the impact. “I can’t…again…”  
  
He licks my ear and kisses it. “Even if it’s impossible, don’t leave me, Souji…”  
  
 **##########**  
  
When we get back to the camp, Kondo-san greets me and offers me some food. Almost everyone is already in bed except those who are keeping watch. As always, I hide behind my smile and graciously accept his generosity. And Hijikata-san looks away.  
  
Later on as I drift off to sleep, I feel Hijikata-san touch my hair. Then he walks off. I am not sure if he’s going to bed yet.  
“Oyasuminasai,” I call out drowsily.   
  
_"I’m going to take a nap right here. Wake me up when it’s time.”  
  
The sun was shining and the sky, completely cloudless. We were at his house and he’d laid out on the floor while I sat on the side with my feet sticking out, not quite touching the ground yet. Again, I had to wake him up before he got in trouble for slacking off.  
I laughed with my hands over my mouth. For some reason, I looked back to see him looking back at me with a smile. He reached out for my hair, holding the ends while he’s napping. I blushed, feeling very warm inside._  
  
 **Owari. / The End**

**Author's Note:**

> I don’t know where exactly this came from, but it just popped into my head as I was thinking of Souji and Hijikata-san because they tend to make their way into my thoughts during the day (along with Initial D).  
> And then I remembered that time in Hino while in Hijikata-san’s house, I sat at the spot they said Souji sat to wake him up from his naps. It was only for a few minutes, but I was so happy to be there.
> 
> Hope you enjoyed this!
> 
> Love,  
> Yui


End file.
